Harry Potter and the Intense Training
by Mulledmead
Summary: This is the best story you will ever read. If you don't read it you will be left wondering why for the rest of your life. The after about 2 seconds you will figure that it was for the best
1. Harry Potter and the Intense Training

A/N: This is a short one shot story that I am writing in response to a bad review I got on my other story. In said review the person said that too many bad things were happening to Harry, so I am writing this to appease that problem. Also, this story is set to make fun of all of the fanfictions out there that have things that are so outstandingly extraordinary that it would never happen. I know that my story isn't all that good and I shouldn't be making fun of other stories but I felt that I had to. Just do yourself a favor and DO NOT READ THIS! I'll repeat that one more time. Whatever you do Don't read this. You will become so pissed off for my wasting your time that you will probably hunt me down and kill me so just DON'T READ THIS!!!!!! Also if I haven't made it clear enough this story is a joke and poorly written on purpose. If I get a few laughs out of you good, if you hate it and wished I would die...fine and dandy. Just don't get in all a huff and report me to Fanfiction.Net or anything like that.

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"Harry it is time I train you in how to defeat Voldemort." said Dumbledore. "First I will train you in the art of wandless magic. Only a handful of wizards in the entire world can do this, so do not fret if you are unable to. Now the first thing you do is concentrate. All you have to do is _will _what you want to happen, and it will happen. Give it a try."

"Okay here goes." Harry replied skeptically.

"Holy hell Harry!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "You are levitating the entire Hogwarts castle! Wow! I think you have mastered wandless magic. And it only took you 4.4 seconds! Let's move on to Animagus training. There are only 21 registered Animagi in the world and it took each one of them about 3 years to fully complete it. What you have to do is drink this potion. It will tell you what animal you will become. Then you just have to concentrate on turning yourself into that animal."

Harry drank the potion and one gulp and then something amazing happened. The spectral in front of him scrolled through every single animal ever know to mankind and some that weren't. Even the animals that have been extinct for millions of years scrolled through.

"Wow Harry that is truly amazing let's start with something simple. Try turning into a owl. Now concentrate hard on what an owl looks like. Holy hell. You just turned into an owl and it only took you .4 seconds. That's amazing It's unheard of. Try some of the other animals."

The second animal that Harry turned into was an animal that he had always wished to see. A T-Rex. Suddenly, his animal instincts overcame him and he swallowed Dumbledore whole. Shocked by what he had done Harry felt tears coming out of his huge green eyes. But suddenly his eyes turned gold and he got a rumbling in his stomach. He had to go to the bathroom and he had to go now. So instead of turning into a human and going to an actual bathroom. Harry decided to go right there and then in T-Rex form.

With one huge push a pile of crap the size of a two storey building came out of Harry's butt. In that pile of crap was a perfectly preserved and still alive Albus Dumbledore.

"Wow! That was one trip that I never want to take again. If you do that again, I will be forced to eat your brains while your are still alive. Do you copy me?" Dumbledore said cleaning himself off.

Harry, who had reverted back to human form, took this as a joke and began laughing.

"You think I'm kidding? I'm not kidding. I will cut off the top of your skull with a dull hacksaw and eat your brain like it was a bowl of fruit loops. Don't tempt me I have done it before. What do you think happened to the DADA professor before Quirrel?" Dumbledore threatened.

Harry immediately shut up.

"You better shut up." Dumbledore said narrowing his eyes. Then as though nothing had happened, "Now let's move on to Elemental magic. There have only ever been 10 Elementals since the beginning of time. Each Elemental had control over one and only one element. Now drink this potion to see what element you will have control over."

Harry downed the potion in one large gulp.

"Holy hell! It seems you have control over all 4 elements, plus you have control over ice–which is just very cold water–Lightning, and Thunder."

"Isn't Thunder just the..."

"Shut up! No it isn't. Now each element should take a lifetime to become in complete control over, but I think you will mange all 7 of yours in just about 6.2 seconds. Ready, begin! 1....2....3.....4....5..Wow you did it in just 5. 6 seconds. Is there anything you can't do?"

Suddenly, Ron came running down from the castle. "Harry, hey Harry. How are you doing Harry? Huh Harry? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?"

"Shut up or I'll rip your head off!" Harry screamed in rage.

"What'd you say Harry?"

"I said, Do you want to play some Quidditch?"

"Sure maybe later. Ohhhh! Look! Chocolate!" Ron exclaimed, diving head first into the gigantic pile of dinosaur crap that Harry had left only minutes early. "Ahhhh! It's still all warm and moist. Just the way I like it." Ron said shoveling some into his mouth. "Mmmmmm! It's some of the best I've ever had. I think Fred and George gave it to me before!"

Harry just simply slapped his forehead.

"Hi Harry how are you doing?" Hermione asked.

"Hermione! Hey Hermione! Over here Hermione! Look at me Hermione! You want some chocolate Hermione! Hermione! Hey Hermione! Hey! Hey! Hey! Pay attention to me! Look at me! Look at me! You want some chocolate!"

"That's not chocolate Ron. That's T-Rex poop!" Hermione informed.

"How did you know?" Inquired Harry.

"I could tell from the smell. Also all T-Rex poop is that offset color of brown. I can also tell that this T-Rex has recently eaten a human with Silver hair, by the micro fibers within the feces."

"Oh!?!"

"Ron get out of that before you get a disease." Hermione scalded.

"Not until everyone pays attention to me. Hey Harry count how long I can hold my breath under the T-Rex poop. I bet I can be completely different than my brothers by doing this." Ron said before diving underneath the poop.

"So Hermione what do you want?" Harry asked.

"I came to tell you that it is dinner time."

"Oh alright let's go."

"Aren't we forgetting Ron?"

"No he'll find his way to dinner."

"Welcome everyone. I have an announcement to make. Harry Potter has shown skills beyond anybodies measure. So I have decided to make him the new DADA professor. Also he will be the Transfiguration, Potions, Charms, Ancient Runes, Arithmancy, Divination, Herbology, and Care of Magical Creatures professor for all years, even though he is only a sixth year student." Dumbledore announced.

"I too would like to make an announcement." Minister Fudge said from the end of the Head Table. "I suck as a Minister and will be dying in about 12 seconds, so before I die I would like to appoint Harry Potter as my replacement." After Fudge finished saying this he dropped dead.

"Hey everybody! Look at me!" Ron said walking into the Great Hall covered in dinosaur poop. "I just held my breath in dinosaur poop for 2 minutes. I'm different and better than my brothers!"

"Sorry Ron, but Fred and me held our breath in dinosaur poop for 2 minutes and 30 seconds. Looks like your still in our shadows." George pipped in from underneath Gryffindor's dinner table."

"NOOOOOOOO! I'M DIFFERENT!"

"Hey everybody my name is Daniel Radcliffe I just transferred here from...."

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Every single person in Hogwarts even the ghosts shouted pointing their wands at whoever just entered the Great Hall.

"Wow what just happened?" Ron asked.

"I don't know I just got the sudden urge to kill whoever that is." Hermione answered.

"Me too!" the rest of the Great Hall agreed.

"Hey everybody my name is Rupert Grint. I just...."

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" The school said in unison pointing their wands at the new person. He feel over dead on top of the first person.

"AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA! AVADA KEDAVRA!" Ron shouted pointing his wand at the fallen redhead.

"I would like to make an announcement." Snape said standing up.

"Oh God not another announcement."

"I am pregnant with Harry's baby! We are in love and we are going to get married no matter what you say. That's right I am a man cross-dressing as a woman cross-dressing as a man cross-dressing as a woman cross-dressing as a man...add a few more cross-dressings on there and that's what I am. All I know is that I'm pregnant with Harry's baby. Also I just so happen to be his father." Snape announced.

"A likely story Snape, but everybody knows that I am the boy's father!" Bellatrix Lestrange said from the Great Hall doorway. "And I am in love with the boy."

"No your not I'm his father and I love him!" Voldemort said from the rafters.

"No I am!"

"No I am!"

"No I am!"

"No I am!"

"EVERYONE SHUT UP! Let's get a couple things straight. Yes my mother was a whore and had sex with every single person in existence. And it is likely that all of you could be my father, BUT none of you are. The truth is...I am my own father!" Harry told everyone his secret. "Yes that is right! I stole a time turner, went back in time and impregnated my own mother. I also happen to be my Grandfather and my Great-Grandfather. As for the person I love and who I am going to marry. Well that would be Dobby the House Elf. I am pregnant with his baby and we are going to live at my ancestral home, which happens to be the moon. Yes, that's right! My family owns the Moon. We bought it in the year 834A.D. and have lived there ever since."

With that said Dobby appeared. "I'm sorry Harry Potter but I don't love you anymore. The truth is that I love Draco Malfoy."

"Oh well. Neville, do you want to be my love slave and move to the moon with me?"

"Yeah sure. Sounds like fun."

"Okay grab hold of my hand and I will apparate us there. All though I have never apparated before I will learn how to do it right now and apparate us there right now. Good by cruel world."

With that Harry and Neville apparated to the moon to live happily ever after.

THE END


	2. Harry Potter and the Intense Training To...

**A/N: **I'm bored and locked down with writers block on my other story, so I've decided to write another joke. This has nothing to do with the previous chapter, in fact it is a completely different story all together. Why, you may ask, didn't I just make a new story. Because, I didn't feel like it.

**Warning:** Throughout the story you may notice that there are quotes, song lyrics, and the like hidden within the story. Feel free to try and guess what they are and where they are from. Just know if you recognize it from something, that I'm not taking credit for writing it, I just thought it was funny or cool so I put it in my story. Sorry to anyone who thinks that it is entirely cheap of me to do that, but I don't really care. One TV show that will have a lot of quotes from is Family Guy® because it is my favorite show ever made and I'm giddy with glee that new episodes are finally coming out.

I warned you last time not to read this and you didn't listen to me then hopefully you will listen to me this time. I'm writing this having just finished writing the story and I just realize it doesn't have the semi-humor that the last chapter had. It's just sad this time around. Please don't read.

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**Harry Potter and the Holy Hell Not Another One of These Stupid-Ass Stories**

Harry walks warily down the street, with the brim of his hat pulled way down low. Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet, machine guns ready to go. He was ready. He was ready for this. He was hanging on the edge of his seat. Out of the doorway the bullets rip, to the sound of the beat.

Harry's step faltered as he was snapped back to reality by the entrance to Diagon Alley opened up. He was on a special trip to Gringotts for the reading of the Last Will and Testament of Sirius Serious Black. Just the thought of Sirius and Harry's knees buckled and he fell to the ground breaking out into a ridiculously loud sobbing fit.

"WAHHHHHHHHH!" Harry cried pounding his fists into the ground and stomping his feet. "WHY'D HE HAVE TO DIE! IT'S ALL MY FAULT! WAHHHHHHH!"

"God dammit Harry! Every five seconds you start sobbing like a little baby. We know it was your fault that you killed him. If you were never born your mom and dad, and Sirius would still be alive. Neville's parents wouldn't be insane, and the world would be a hell-of-a lot better off. Now quit your bellyaching, get off the ground and let's go. I want to see if Sirius left me any money. I'm sick of being poor!" Ron Weasley shouted at his best friend.

"Ron! How can you be such an insufferable git? Let it all out Harry. It's okay to cry. You can use my shoulder. Better make it my left shoulder, my right is still soaked through from the last time." Hermione consoled.

Harry leaned on Hermione and blew his nose into her robe. "Thanks Hermione, I really needed that." Harry said as he started to stand. Reaching down and helping Hermione to stand, Harry found himself staring deeply into Hermione's eyes. "Wow, Hermione, I've never realized how beautiful you truly are. I've been wanting to tell you this since fourth year. Although I showed almost no interest in you last year, I love you. Always have and always will."

"Oh Harry I've been waiting for you to tell me that since I was eight years old. Coincidently, I never even knew you or the magical world existed till I was twelve years old, but somehow the previous statement is true. Let's get married and have lots of children!"

"Married? Children?" Harry swallowed audibly. "Yeah, er, listen Hermione, I just really wanted to get into your pants. I think we could use sometime apart." Harry stated at which Hermione began bawling.

"Oh Harry Potter you've broken my heart, but I forgive you." Hermione said wiping tears away.

"I'll marry you and have lots of children, Hermione." Ron said from the background.

"Oh Ron you make me so Harry. I mean happy. I said happy."

"I can live with that." Ron shrugged and bent down and swopped Hermione into a passionate kiss.

"Harry I'll let you into my pants." said a small voice from beside Harry.

"Ginny what did you say? And when did you get here?" Harry asked shocked to see the little redhead.

"I've been here the entire time and I said that I'll let you into my pants."

"Oh I love you Virginia!" Harry said and then flicked his wand and all of Ginny's clothes flew off because apparently you're allowed to do magic outside of school even though Harry went to trial for it in the fifth year.

"My name's Ginerva." Ginny said as Harry got on his knees to preform oral sex on her.

"What'd you say Virginia?" Harry asked, taking a break.

"Nothing, continue please." And even though Harry had never seen a naked woman before in his entire life he was instantly and complete expert and Ginny was sent through multiple orgasms, before Harry took off his clothes and began having sex with Ginny for the next four hours sending Ginny through a record number of orgasms.

During the third hour of sex, Molly Weasley walked by which caused a pause in the action.

"MUM! It's not what it looks like. Well, it's exactly what it looks like, but I can explain!"

"Oh don't worry deary. I'm just so happy for you I had to see for myself. My little Gin Gin and my little Harry have finally gotten together. It's about time too, Harry! I haven't been slipping Arthur's viagra into your tea so you could masturbate every night.

Harry just ignored her comment and continued with what he was doing. 'Sirius would be so proud of me.' Harry thought and immediately broke into sobs while he was still having sex with Ginny.

When Harry finally finished Draco Malfoy just happened to be walking by with Crabbe and Goyle in tow. "Oh that's gross!" Malfoy said. "You're having sex with a girl!"

"You think that's gross!" Crabbe said and began straining really hard. "Oww! I've broke a blood vessel." and indeed he had as he was trying to fart he broke a blood vessel in his eye and it turned completely red.

"I can't wait for Christmas to come." Pansy said completely off topic and appearing out of nowhere.

"Of course you all know that Christmas is the time of the year where Jesus rises from the grave to feast upon the flesh of the living and we all sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep." Goyle said in a very sophisticated voice.

"OUTRAGEOUS!" Harry shouted. "That's Blasphemy. I'm going to do something about that."

"There's nothing you can do Harry." Ginny said putting her clothes back on.

"Oh then I'll just have to get a sense of humor. Let's go see Star Wars Episode III." Harry replied.

"First of all Harry its 1996, Episode III doesn't come out until the 19th of May 2005. Secondly, we still have to go to Gringotts to listen to Sirius's Will, we're four hours late."

"Okay let's go to Gringotts to listen to Sirius's Will. Then we'll use this time-turner to go forward in time to see Episode III. Yeah, apparently you _can_ do that." Harry stated matter-of-fact. "Hey I just talked about Sirius without crying!"

"Good job Harry. Now let's go listen to Sirius's Will. I want some money. I'm sick of being poor!" Ron said and began skipping gaily towards Gringotts.

Upon arriving to Gringotts Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were escorted to a office of a goblin named Ralph. Upon questioning the Goblin as to why he had a human name. They got this reply in a super deep voice: "All of us female Goblin's have human names. That's how we tell each other apart."

Harry looked around the room and saw Remus sitting there. "Hey Remus I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand."

"Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain?" Remus questioned

"Yeah, he was looking for a place called Lee Ho Fook's."

"I bet he was going to get himself a big dish of beef chow mein." Remus said before howling really loud.

"Werewolves of London!" Ralph said shaking her head disappointedly. "Now on to business, the reading of the will. Ahem. I, Sirius Serious Black, being of sound body and semi-sound mind, do hereby bequeth Remus J. Lupin with 15,000,000 Galleons. To Ronald 'I don't know you're middle name' Weasely, I leave...nothing. Ha Ha Ha. I like it when your poor and don't have money to buy anything. I leave everything else to Harry Potter. That is a total of 194,423,232,454,676 Galleons 15 houses which includes one that absolutely no one but I have ever even heard of and no one no matter how strong they are can enter without my permission. Why, I didn't hide your parents here, I don't know. But anyways, it also includes the Countries of Italy, Germany, China, the lost city of Atlantis, and the entire state of California. Apparently you can own countries and states. Anyway have fun with your newfound wealth. The only condition I have set is that your are not allowed to give any to Ron Weasley. I like it when he is poor."

"Alright! I'm rich-er. Now let's go see Episode III!"

"I hope Anakin Skywalker doesn't turn to the Dark Side!" Hermione said nervously.

"Yeah me too! That would ruin the entire series." Ralph readily agreed.

"Down with Wheel of Fortune!" Ron shouted before they were all whisked to the future.

The End

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I told you, you shouldn't have read this story. I can't give you those precious moments of your life back so don't bother to ask.


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